I feel like I've reached the point in my life where I need to make decisions based on what I want to happen in the future and creating a life for myself after college and that scares me. In a year, I'll be done with my undergrad and if graduate school doesn't work out, what I'll do and where I'll go will be in the air. I'm terrified because as of now, I have my entire future plans based off of being with my current boyfriend and on creating a life with him after he graduates. If that doesn't happen though, life if for some reason we break up, I'm screwed. I have no idea where I'll go or what I'll do if he isn't a factor in my life. It makes me want to cut off all ties and run away because I'm so scared of not getting what i want. I want to have a backup but I feel like if I assume the worst, the n the worst will happen. Maybe thats why I'm so paranoid. I've put so much at stake for a future with him that I'm afraid something will happen and not only will I lose the love of my life but my future will be empty. By not having a back up plan, I guess I'm hoping for the best because that's all we can really do right? That's all there really is in life- the ability to hope and try your hardest to have things work out for the best. Things are gonna happen and change and you either change with them or forge on and create your own path. It might be harder that way but if everyone always went with the flow and dealt with what life gave them- a lot of great things and great people wouldn't have done or been where they are today. It's true that everything happens for a reason buy that doesn't mean you're helpless to those changes. Everyone talks about life as if its some force that has everything preset for you. But honestly, if you really want something and work hard for it, you can get what you want from. People have been in all sorts of bad situations but worked to change it and got what they wanted. It's true that there are soul mates and that everyone looks for that. But I think the problem is that people settle. They stick with the comfort or what they believe is love. You can love a lot of people, buy never the way you'd love your soulmate. That love is like nothing else and I believe life gives you the opportunity to meet them and create something with them. If you're too stubborn or scared to take that risk on an opportunity life presents you then that's your own fault. Because then you missed out on that one type of love. This love will make you crazy and make you question everything. It'll hurt you and scare you- give you anxiety. But if you can get past those feelings then you'll experience a love like no other. It will make you invincible and feel like you could get past anything and honestly you can. You'll become more mature and turn yourself into the best version of yourself that you could possibly be. You'll do things for them, you'll never imagine yourself doing for anyone. You'll feel loved at your worst and best times and be a place that you can run to and forget about everything. When you're with them, nothing else matters. So it's oaky to take those risks to have a shot at a feeling like that and it's okay to plan for a future solely involving them, because if you felt what I felt, you'll know that nothing can stop you from achieving that one king of love. The scariest thing that could happen with that is the coursing feat that'll run through you that what if they don't love you like you love them. That dear is rational and valid. But honestly, love like that, honest true love, soulmate love, is not something you can experience on your own. It takes two. Honestly, don't do what I do. Don't constantly badger them to reiterate their feelings over and over and over again. What's going to change within a day? No one can stop loving you in a day. Having that realization that no matter what they did to you, you'd love them, is a scary scary thing to realize. At that point, it's like you just throw yourself at their feet and leave them to your will. Knowing that you have that power over someone is not something that should be abused either. It takes a lot of courage to admit that not only to yourself, but to someone else. Basically, what I'm trying to get at is that love is scary, true love is very very scary. It's a huge risk to love someone and tell them things that no one knows. But that's what love is- having faith that the person you love, loves you just the same and understands where you're coming from.
"It is a risk to love. What if it doesn't work out? Ah, but what if it does!" - Peter McWilliams
